Weather Channel Sees 1000% Spike in Ratings as Impeachment Hearings Drag into Their 3rd Month

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I never thought I’d say this, but the executives over at The Weather Channel are really making it rain, rolling in the dough, taking a bathtub full of one-hundred-dollar bills and lighting them on fire because viewership is up 1000% as American’s look for something to watch that has nothing to do with impeachment.

Yesterday’s 5-day forecast saw a record 3 million people tune in, and the chance of showers on Thursday had Twitter going crazy. Many have speculated that the channel may break all-time records if impeachment drags into the 4th month.

“I’ve never experienced anything like it,” said weatherman Steve Lovell, “I can’t go anywhere. People are mobbing me in the streets. The paparazzi’s staked outside my house and they keep asking me what the forecast is going to be tomorrow. I just look out my window and tell them ‘chance of showers.’ Ahhaha. Ahhaha. Ahhahahahahah.”

At this time, The Derringer can report that they’re popping bottles over at the TV Guide Channel as well.