Wait – I Just Woke Up From a 2-Week Coma – Did Trump Kill, Like, 30 People With His Bare Hands?

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Somebody catch me up here – I’m very confused! Sorry, I just woke up from this coma (very relaxing, by the way, like slow jazz and a laser light show), and I’m trying to figure out what’s happened. What I gather – and I may be wrong here – Is that President Donald J Trump went on a F***ing rampage.

So apparently – and again, I might be wrong here (the coma really takes a tranq to the understanding, you see) – what I gather is that sometime last weekend, approximately, the President of the United States went on a bare-bones murder spree and started just taking Americans apart. Is that right?

Unbelievable! Really, this is really something! I’m having trouble believing it, but based on the coverage I’ve seen so far, The Donald just went gorilla on the public and started ripping off arms, smashing face, crotch-punching, kneecap-kicking, disemboweling, chopping ears off for trophies, and laying a general trail of carnage behind him like some sort of sacking Roman Soldier!

Obama would never do that! Wow! I mean, maybe I’m still a bit woozy here – just spend two weeks (or so they tell me) dancing on a magnolia’s head in a womb of floating nothingness – but I feel like this deserves some more investigation. Like, I feel like this should be a big deal!

Anyway, do we get any food here? I’m extremely hungry. If you see the nurse, can you ask her to turn off the TV?

Thank you. It’s all a bit… disturbing.