Study Finds 9 Out of 10 People Could Learn to Shut the F*** Up

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The Cambridge Institute of Public Research has been working countless hours, polling hundreds of thousands of individuals and using the most advanced statistical to correlate an enormous data set into the most comprehensive study of the American electorate ever recorded.

What they found was astonishing. Among their key findings was that 9 out of 10 people could learn to shut the f*** up. Digging deeper into the data shows that 93% of the population has no idea what the f*** they’re talking about, and a stunning 74% are out of their goddamn minds. 52% had some idea what was going on, but of that 52%, 31% couldn’t give a rat’s ass.

The study broke down the population by every age, race and gender, by income, education level, geographic location and political leanings, but the results were amazingly consistent across all variables.

Hans Freudian, head of The Cambridge Institute of Public Research summed it up accordingly, “Basically,” he said through a thick German accent, “Nobody knows what ze f*** is going on.”