Soleimani Lands Posthumous Nike Deal

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After being blown up in a US drone strike last week, it seemed like Qasem Soleimani couldn’t catch a break. That was until this week when Nike announced they would be signing the Iranian general to a posthumous sneaker deal said to be worth over 100 million dollars.

“Soleimani is the perfect spokesman to help us break into new markets where our products have not always been accepted. He’s anti-American, recently martyred, and subtly good looking. We think he can really expand our sneaker footprint throughout the Middle East,” said Nike’s Communications Director.

Even within the US market, the new Soleimanis are predicted to be a hot commodity with their distinctive “Death 2 Amerikkka” souls and green/red coloring already being praised by major influencers. Upon announcing the deal, Nike’s stock rose by 5% overnight. It looks like another slam dunk for a company that can do no wrong.

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