Some problems you gotta solve yourself – that’s what Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is doing and it’s called leadership. After embarrassing footage was leaked of The Speaker ignoring social distancing rules and facemask guidelines to get her hair done, Pelosi has announced her intentions to liquidate all small business owners to serviced her during lockdown so they can never “betray [her] again.”
The liquidation, which sources tell The Derringer has already begun as of last night, is being advertised as swift, efficient, and ruthless. “A cattle bolt in the head and a quick dip in an acid bath should do the trick,” said one Democratic operative who we’re pretty sure was not supposed to share that with us.
Anyway, these things happen! We just hope that The Speaker can silence and destroy all the little people (who are so much like bugs, aren’t they?) before any more embarrassing footage comes out.