It’s an alarming trend. Our nation’s hard-working body collectors, honest blue-collar workers just trying to get by in these dangerous times, report that disturbing number of COVID patients claiming they’re “not dead yet” even as they’re hauled away with the other corpses.

“It really makes our job a lot harder,” said one Brooklyn based body collector who chose to go unnamed, “Someone, usually someone they’re living with usually tells us they’re dead, then they claim they’re not. Who are we supposed to listen to? Honestly, I’m not trained for this, so if they dump the body on the cart, we just wheel them off.”

“It’s a problem we’re looking into,” said New York’s Commissioner of Body Removal, “But the easiest solution would just be to give these guys earplugs.”

It’s a bold idea, but will it get through the bureaucratic maze that is New York? Only time will tell.