Nation Braces for New Round of Debates

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A terrified nation cowers this morning as the threat of a third round of Democrat debates looms on the horizon. For the millions of Americans still recovering from the first two rounds, tonight’s event will be a setback on the path to rebuilding their shattered lives.

“Why won’t they stop?” Asked one woman on a street, “How do we make it stop? We just want to live our lives, and now they’re up there talking about a gender-neutral Statue of Liberty or something. God, I can’t take it anymore!”

“I heard they were going to kneel,” said a man in a grocery store, visibly shaking, “When the national anthem plays, I heard they were going to get down on one knee and kneel.”

A flag-store owner barred his doors in anticipation of the mobs of flag-burners incited by the TV spectacle. “It’s irresponsible,” he said, “After the last debate they came pounding at my door with pitchforks and torches. They said they were going to burn every last flag. Luckily I was armed and they were not.”

Crisis centers, panic-rooms, and bomb-shelters are being prepared around the country. The National Health Service is recommending that all people stock up with at least a week’s supply of food and water.