“I just don’t know how they did it,” said Pete Calhoun of Des Moines Iowa, one of the DNC’s local caucus chairs. “When I heard that the Senate impeachment vote was happening today, I just naturally assumed it would be months before we knew the results… wrangling all those darn votes can be tricky…”
Calhoun, of course, is in the middle of his own vote-counting fiasco as his party is still unable to verify the winner of Monday’s Presidential primary. “I’d like to know if they have any advanced techniques,” he told us, “Personally, I only have 5 fingers on each hand, so then I have to start using my toes, but they don’t retract right, and plus I have my shoes on, so it’s a whole pickle.”
The mystery of exactly how the Senate was able to pull off the remarkable task of voting and then counting on the same day, within the same hour even (!) is unknown. Many have speculated that they may have been using some sort of performance-enhancing drug to achieve this superhuman result.
While this wouldn’t technically be illegal, The Derringer has it on firm grounds that it would certainly be grounds for impeachment.