Today, former Presidential candidate and Godfather’s Pizza CEO Herman Cain passed away from Coronavirus. His death serves as a stark reminder that the only known cure for COVID-19 is to get out there and f*ck sh*t up in the street.
Cain is largely thought to have contracted the virus after attending President Trump’s rally in Tulsa, an event which many experts warned would lead to a massive and deadly viral outbreak. “Herman was a good man,” said a close associate, “But he didn’t get out there and riot for social justice. He went to that Trump death rally instead, and that was the end of him.”
In order to stop mourners from contracting the virus, protesters have declared an autonomous zone around the area where his body is being laid to rest. After that, it’ll be up to God to do the rest.