Gates Says We’re Still 3-4 Month Away From Vaccine to End All Protesting

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Far away from the protests, the riots, the violence and arson in the streets, a gaggle of reporters huddled in a New Zealand compound as billionaire philanthropist Bill Gates took to a small stage for a mysteriously called press conference.

“Thank you all for coming here today on such short notice,” he told the crowd. “As you all know, I have been working on a vaccine to stop the Coronavirus, but, ahem, plans have changed a bit. I would like to announce that I have made progress on another vaccine, one that will end all protesting, uh, forever.” He flashed a smile to the crowd, “It’s still 3-4 months away, but uh, would anyone like to try it?” He produced a long syringe from his coat pocket and gave it a playful squirt.

“Yes, please, vaccinate me now,” howled the squall of reporters, prostrating themselves at his feet begging him to inject their arms, legs, even faces. The Derringer has it on extremely good information that the vaccine will end all bodily and mental autonomy forever.

“Very good,” said Gates as he began gouging.

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