Experts Agree Restructuring World Economy Best Way to Treat Child’s Anxiety

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Today, 16-year-old Sweedish activist Greta Thunberg spoke at the U.N. Climate Summit, scolding world leaders for their inaction and accusing them of “Stealing the dreams of [her] childhood.” After the speech, experts agreed that the best way to treat this child’s anxiety would be to completely restructure of the world economy.

While it may be technologically unfeasible, potentially lead to the impoverishment of billions, and require unprecedented control of civilian populations, they can see no other way to get this young girl to calm down.

“She is extremely upset,” said one member of the U.N. General Assembly, “And as the adults, we need to do everything in our power to weaponize her distress and re-make the world according to her wishes.”

“16-year-olds don’t know a lot about how the world works,” said another Assembly Member with a chuckle, “But who am I to speak? I’m just doing what she says!”

After the Climate Summit, the U.N. passed a near-unanimous resolution to validate Thunberg’s “truth” and a pre-emptive condemnation of anyone who asks any questions.


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