Chaos spread across the country today as spiritual guru Marianne Williamson’s exit from the presidential race triggered the Dow Jones to drop 8000 points and the Delaware river to turn inexplicably into blood. The spiritual disturbance could be felt across the country at around 1 PM today as millions of birds fell dead from the sky and a great growling could be heard from underneath the earth.
“The time for love is over,” roared Williamson, now unleashed into her true, awesome form with the head and paws of a lion and tail of a snake, “The time for destruction is nigh!” Toilets across the country exploded, creating sinkholes that engulfed their unfortunate inhabitants. Women’s hair turned to swarms of bats on their heads. Small children grew a thousand times in size and began demolishing whole neighborhoods just for the fun of it.
At this time, The Derringer is recommending all readers immediately seek shelter and safety for themselves and their families.