Cocaine Mitch Snorts a Fat Rail Off the Impeachment Articles to Get This Motherf*cking Trial Started

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Mitch McConnell, or Cocaine Mitch as he’s known, was hyped up. “Let’s get this b*tch underway, shall we?” The usually reserved Majority Leader was dialed all the way up to a 3 or 4, an expression almost breaking across his face as he snorted a fat rail off the impeachment articles to get this motherf*cking trial started.

It was day one of Donald Trump’s Senate trial, and already things were getting good. Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer tried to raise an objection, but before he could even speak McConnell was slamming the hammer down, the hundred-dollar bill still hanging from his nose like am icicle, and coldly he cried “overruled.”

Witnesses came in. Witnesses came out. Someone gave a statement. Someone else gave a counter statement. “Are you not entertained?” drawled McConnell, his stash running dry at this point, “Alright, let’s just call it a day.”

The Derringer will bring you more of this extremely informative reporting from the scene of the impeachment trial as the days unfold.

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