CNN Settles Lawsuit with Covington Kid, Agrees to Give Him Greta Thunberg’s Stolen Childhood

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Nick Sandmann was a normal 16-year-old boy from Kentucky when his life was turned around by a media-storm in the so-called ‘Covington Kids Incident.’ Now, he’s going to become a 16-year-old girl from Sweden because CNN has just agreed to give him Greta Thunberg’s stolen childhood to settle his pending defamation lawsuit.

Sandmann is set to be shipped off to the Nordic country tomorrow morning to begin his new life, which will include taking on a new family, language, gender, and, of course, catching up on all the classes Greta missed.

“We’re thrilled that CNN has finally admitted wrongdoing for the terrible slander of our son,” said Nick’s mother, “But at the same time, I don’t know if I’m exactly comfortable with the nature of the settlement. Doesn’t it seem a little bit odd?”

The Derringer could not reach Nick himself for comment, but we’re informed that he’s staring directly at the settlement with no expression on his face perhaps engaged in some sort of racist intimidation.