Broken Derringer Execs Crawl from Facebook Holding Cell, Promise to Love & Protect Whistleblower

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Battered and bruised, clothes ripped, shirts stained, the once-proud executive team from The Derringer crawled from their Facebook holding Cell on Tuesday to pledge fealty and love to the whistleblower.

The once proud, even arrogant executives of the internet’s 3rd smallest satire publication were broken vestiges of their former selves. Those leaders of men who had laughed in the face of death and posted the whistleblower’s name in a satirical Facebook article now whimpered and cried as they staggered into public view for the first time since being arrested on Monday.

Nay, it takes nary 24 hours to break a man in 2019 it seems.

Shaking, they read a prepared statement in which they apologized for posting the whistleblower’s name and asked for their site to be re-instated into Facebook. They said they were wrong, they knew they were wrong and they had removed all mentions of his name. Furthermore, they pledged to love and protect the whistleblower and promised to report any other instances of his name that they saw.

Across the street, from under a dark canopy, Zuckerberg nodded once and walked away, at which point the executive team collapsed in sobs of relief, but could there ever be relief for them? Would they ever be able to rest again?